Scotland Dies Laughing

The Daily Mash's take on the football last night is here

Most would have been dead within minutes

TRIBUTES are being paid to Scotland this morning after the entire country laughed itself to death.

The alarm was first raised at around 10pm last night as thousands of phone calls and text messages went unanswered.

Small groups of volunteers from Berwick-Upon-Tweed and Carlisle ventured north just after midnight only to find houses full of dead people gathered around still blaring television sets.

By dawn, as RAF helicopters flew over deserted city streets, it was clear that the whole country had suffered a catastrophic abdominal rupture.

Wayne Hayes, a special constable from Northumberland, said: "We went into one house in Dunbar and found three men sitting on the sofa with huge smiles on their faces, still holding cans of 70 shilling. They seemed to be at peace."

He added: "In a house near Edinburgh we found a man face down on the living room floor with his trousers and pants round his knees.

"It seems he may have been showing his bare buttocks to the television when he keeled over."

Roy Hobbs, a civil engineer from Northampton, said: "I got a call from my friend Ian in Stirling at about 9.50pm.

"He was already laughing when I answered the phone, but after about 25 minutes of the most vigorous and uncontrollable hilarity, everything suddenly went very quiet."

Moving tributes are already being placed along the Scotland-England border with many mourners opting to leave a simple bag of chips or a deep fried bunch of flowers.

The Daily Mash - SCOTLAND DIES LAUGHING

HMCR Junior Official Found

I hear they’ve found the “junior” official from HMCR, he was found at Wembley playing in goal for England. Claimed he had got lost in the post.

Another quote from last night from a text message on the BBC. This time from Watson in Aberdeen.

“Without doubt, the defining image of McClaren’s short reign. With their backs against the wall, England need blood, sweat and tears, and yet McClaren stood there helpless, umbrella aloft, not even prepared to get his hair wet! What would Churchill say?”

Next step Home Internationals?

Chancellor's World Cup fever fails to grip the Scots

I see turncoat Brown is again trying to ingratiate himself with our southern neighbours by supporting the English FA's possible bid for the 2018 World Cup. The man is a complete charlatan.

Stewart Maxwell MSP, the Scottish National Party's culture spokesman, said:

"Good luck to England, but I suspect that Gordon Brown's support for the bid is more about politics than sport, and his desire to ingratiate himself with the English electorate in his desperation to get into No 10."

Opinions in England were apparently all for going for the bid whilst most in Scotland appeared not to care. However the following is typical of this mealy-mouthed creature as the Chancellor appears intent on demonstrating how much he identifies with English voters.

"I have been around the world, I have been in Asia, America and Europe, and I think there is great support for England having it 50 years after we won the World Cup in 1966," Mr Brown said yesterday.

I assume Mr Brown has now become English. Good luck to them.

P.S. Note to the F.A. watch out for the VAT.

P.P.S. By the way Scotland are of course the real World champions as evidenced here. And will of course be the current holders of the Cup on the 24th March of this year when they beat Georgia almost 40 years to the day since they last held the Cup after beating the English at Wembley.

Chancellor's World Cup fever fails to grip the Scots